Her name was Joyce and my grandpa often called me by her name after she passed away. The pain of losing your only daughter, your oldest child, I never considered until I was a mother; must have been devastating to Grandpa. I looked like Joyce, so it made sense I guess that he would often call me by her name.
To me she was beautiful and she spent many hours putting on makeup and styling her hair to get everything “just right”. I would watch every minute in amazement; she was a master at it.
She had many girlfriends and talked on the telephone for hours on end with each one. Laughing hysterically was typical during her conversations. I guess she and I have that in common; the desire for cherished girlfriends and the laughing. Always laughing, it’s the best medicine.
She had been married and divorced two times by the time she passed away at age 26 from a fatal car accident. I heard something about a man that was drunk hitting her. Her girlfriend in the car walked away unscathed.
She left behind her family, a word that would haunt me all my life, family. My brother and I, her father, two half brothers and her grandmother; whom we called Nanny, as well as the man that was all set to become husband number three.
She was an artist; I found out later while searching through her secret belongings in the cedar chest up in the attic. Fine sketches in pencil or charcoal of ancient women, with satin draped across them as they lay on the delicate yellowed paper, looking off in the distance. She was good at it too. She was creative and we made homemade Christmas ornaments together and set up the detailed train city under the tree, each year.
The memories are many for a woman that lived such a short life. As each day drifts into the next I miss her and wish she was still here. What would she be like…what would our relationship look like? I don’t really know if it’s her I miss or my fantasy of what it would have been like, had she not died and left behind this five year old little girl.

You crept into my dreams again, how could you be so bold?

The love we shared was long ago, the yearnings have grown old.

The time has come to say good-bye

To all those years of living the lie.

The thread I let you hold onto never seemed as frayed

My hopes and dreams I grasped onto, have since been put away.

I saw the life you really lead, the one without the smile.

The pain and negative effects you seem to spread around

I look at the lonely man you’ve become and wonder

Was I ever really sold.  I thought I was I’d give it all

To be with you alone,

God thank you lifting me from a life I would have hated

To do your will and live alone, without the pain that waited.

It became clear as day, I was never meant for you.

My life had changed so much now, I wondered if you saw it too.

Thank you God for saving me from my own mistakes

Lord keep me close to you until the ending wakes.

 

I once had a child, who sang

I once had a child who danced

She laughed and cried and spoke sweet words

She prayed, she thanked, she thought and she loved.

The world didn’t know, what to make of this child

Reactions were very strong.

Some laughed, some cried, some just turned away

Some just stared and wondered who is this child?

She was a special child, a giving child

She gave all that she had.

Her songs were foreign, her dances all modern

Her laughter, her tears and her words were all mixed

Her prayers and thoughts were jumbled

Her “thank you” was often quite silent

But her love, her love was so strong

and needing, not always kind.

But always there

She needed a friend.

Someday she hopes the world will understand,

She is our special child, like no other.

Maybe they’ll learn her language

Maybe they will like her style

Maybe they will be willing to learn

the kindness and innocence and joy

of her LOVE.

Maybe they will know who she is.

It’s time again, to sit and write

The feelings are too strong

To keep them bottled up inside

Could only do them wrong

Too long a love has gone away

My heart cries out in need

Fill the earth a blossom

Sowed of a tiny seed

Of growth cannot be altered

Winds will seek to try

Rains will try to was away

A tiny seed will lie

Treasure our garden

Hold it dear

Suns will come and go

Another passing year

To yearn about the future

Will only cause distress

Make our lonely garden

A world of only mess

Continue to walk

Head held high

Hold tight to the moments

Fear not to cry

God will do

What has to be

You and I

To trust and see

A seed never

To be lost

Protected for us

From wind and frost